May the lord have mercy upon my soul....

Well the earth has stopped spinning and fallen off its axis. Prepare yourself, folks, for the signs have come together and the end is nigh. My only explanation for the events that took place in my apartment today is that we have entered the final days before the Apocalypse. That's right in my very kitchen.

I cooked.......and it was successful.........

I actually baked vanilla pudding mocha brownie muffins- without a recipe mind you - they didn't burn, or blow up THEY DIDN'T EVEN TASTE THAT BAD.....

I am not sure how to interpret this success after have years of mishaps in culinary arts. In fact even the lightest of spirits deemed me a total failure (aka my grandma). And to suddenly just cook something. Its all very unnerving. Which has lead me to believe that the devil himself had a hand in this......

REPENT THOU DAMNED SINNER FOR THE WAGES OF SIN IS DEATH! I MYSELF HAVE BEEN TEMPTED, REJECTING THE PATH OF RIGHTNESS FOR NAUGHT BUT A GOOEY DELICIOUS BIT OF BAKED GOODS. I HAVE DANCED WITH THE MIXER OF GLUTTONY AND SACRIFICE UPON THE ALTER OF THE PAGAN GODDESS BETTY CROCKER......

BEWARE....FOR THE MUFFIN MAN COMETH! *rocks back and forth singing "do you know the muffin man" in a creepy childlike voice*

*cough*....so um, i have muffins if anyone wants them...i'm just saying it would be nice to have some company. Maybe watch a movie or something. um...*breaks down sobbing* .....

i am soooo alone.........and incidentally have suddenly discovered the possibilities italics offer in relating vocal inflection.

I just want you to love me: So bite me baby and suck my blood!

Hey guess what- Now I know this may come as a shock to many people but bare with me.

Yes, I am going to rant in this blog.

Now Susan, you say- who is there left to rant at? After surveying my long and glorious collection of well constructed yet poorly spelled blogs, this list is rather long and the point is well taken. But lets face it, the number of people who tend to piss me off at any given time could go on forever.....lucky for you, right (I know right now you are making a snide comment...just know that right now i am mentally beating you with a metal baseball bat ). Anyway I disgress...

So who is it, you ask, that is are currently pissing off Susan this fine evening? Is it the garbage collectors?

no, do remember, I aptly covered that sub-group in a previous blog and while my extreme dislike for the bureaucracy that rules the sanitation department remains, I refuse to continue to beat a dead horse.

So perhaps it is Alterra, you say, for only letting Susan spend 12 minutes of time on their so called 'Free" Internet.....(greedy sons-of-bitches)

A good guess but no......

The current focus of my rage this evening has to do with several individuals....namely the collective whole of Romance writers.

Now as many of you know, I am in possession of a very prolific library of fine "Romance novels" - such a vast quantity of cliched literical dribble it is that I own, Nora Roberts herself would blush with embarrassment. (What can I say, there is nothing like a quiet evening at home with a nice big glass of Cabernet in one hand and "Romancing Mr. Bridgerton" in the other, with Night of the Living dead playing in the background....perfection as one might say. All one really needs to make this evening truly decadent is a nice bowl of sweet-potato fries....and as I am usually well stocked in the latter- the odds of these events occurring on any given night are fairly high....woot to me. ) Anyway...back to my point. Why am I so annoyed with these purveyors of orange blossoms, and unrealistic representations of men....

Well thats just the thing...I am a closet freak romantic, I like my happy endings and overused romantic stereotypes..Personally my favorites tend to run to several different cliches-

A)Manly Scotsman

B)Manly Knights in freaking shining armor

C) Wallflowers breaking out of their social shells

D) Ridiculous plots concerning women of poor eyesight falling in love men scarred both physically and mentally from some heroic deed of the past and now need those visually challenged women to help them reclaim the self-confidence they lost....*cough* and yes I also own this one, and it is called "Love is Blind" by Lynsay Sands.....

anyway...that sort of thing. SO ...tonight as I went into Barnes and Nobel to kill some time as I wait for sister dear to get done with her play, I figured I would add a new sordid book to my collection. Mayhap a silly story about medieval gentry or Victorian Society..As I jovially approached my Mecca of mindless smut, I was shocked to find my rose-tinted world invaded by what I can only describe as freakish erotica. I have definitely been out of the romance loop for awhile....because every freaking romance book available at the moment is centered around a single cliche which is not in the least romantic unless you run towards a certain area of fetish...... here are some of the titles I came across while scanning the book shelf:

The Vampire that bit me..

His lustful bite

Sweet Blood Lust

Night Rogue

Sleeping with Fear

Vampires are forever (which inexplicably is written by Lynsay Sands...WTF)

are you starting to catch on to a theme here .....

VAMPIRES...wtf....What in the hell is up with every FUCKING ROMANCE WRITER GETTING OFF ON SUCKING PEOPLES BLOOD- I MEAN REALLY PEOPLE- SADISM AND MASOCHISM IS SO 12TH CENTURY- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Even my old standby's are resorting to this crap. What does a girl have to do to get a damn story about some woman triumphing over the system and yet still find her "soul mate". This brings me to my next point. If all the writers are using this one cliche in their so called "romance" novels ...that means there is someone buying them. ....

DEAR god.....

That in itself frightens me.

A change needs to be made here people....I need my romance fix and it sure as hell is not going to come from some creepy fetish involving the sucking of one's blood..*shudders* My only thought is that the LARPERS have somehow raided the yearly romance convention and brainwashed the whole lot to fufill some creepy fantasy. This atrocity will not stand man....believe you me there are going to be some strongly worded letters written if this trend does not end fast. Vampires are not forever - they are nothing that a little garlic powder and wooden stakes won't cure....thats some fucking romance baby.