Reality Ate My Baby's Brain

Dear devoted reader-

(I know that is making quite an assumption but stop your bitching, and humor me with the whole "letter" format ok)

So tonight as I sat in front of my tv,

(ok so its not exactly my tv...actually I am not exactly sure where this t.v came from, uh I just kind of accept that it is here in my apartment in front of me)

So tonight as I sat in front of my tv, I was suddenly struck by the profound nature ...

(ok so i wasn't exactly struck ...I was brainstorming for a blog, so I actually had to come up with a concept so to speak, so it was more of a forced realization....anyway)

So tonight as I sat in front of my tv, I was suddenly struck by the profound nature of Reality

(ok...so actually if you want to get technical...I couldn't find anything on T.V. but reality tv shows and DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING CLUE HOW DEPRESSING THAT IS? I MEAN REALLY TO CHANNEL SURF THE OH ..I DON'T KNOW 10 CHANNELS THAT COME IN AND THEY ARE ALL SOME SORT OF CONSTRUCTED VERSION OF SO CALLED REALITY....*heavy disturbing breathing that i can only best describe as jack nickelson giving birth to a baby whale who is singing back up vocals for Lordi on "Hard Rock Hallelujah" (um..if you don't know what this is i suggest you look it up on youtube...fantastic i tell you anyway I digress))

Reality is defined by Websters dictionary as the quality of or state of being real.

hmm....interesting.

So what the T.V. gods that be are trying to sell me is that the crappy ass shows being paraded before me because the tight wads don't want to share some of that greenback with the script slaves- is that I am watching, "real people, living real lives". I tell you it's like sparticus all over again.

You want REALITY sweetheart, I'll show you some freaking reality....

(um...the whole "sweetheart thing is in no way a romantic reference....so um, maybe i should change that because i do unfortunately tend to attract crazy people....)

You want REALITY .....UM..MEDIA BRAINWASHED....UM...PERSON....(ok so a little weak...)

You want REALITY "insert favorite insult" (what? like I always have to be the creative one) I'll show you some freaking reality!

Susan's five reality's for Tuesday night:

REALITY #1: I am sitting on a couch ALONE!

REALITY #2: I am well fed... (well....sort of I cook for myself and luckily i have an iron stomach)

REALITY #3: I have BEER! (and good beer at that, hells yes Dead Guy Ale)

REALITY #4: I have a universal remote!

REALITY #5: I possess an intellect so great it surpasses 99.9% of the entire universe (um...it should be noted that i have left 0.1% open to a higher being who I concede must have a great intellect than I, because the fact is unlike Him...uh Her...grrr....IT, I have yet to create a something out of an empty vacuum of nothingness...however that's it people I will concede no more)



So...with this "reality schema" laid out, i can safely say my 4/5th's of my reality (excluding of course the previously mentioned superior intellect) at the moment is shared by a great many people, which is why i do not presume to believe i should have my own network television show documenting my oh so exciting life. Ah if only my wisdom was as universal as my remote (seriously i even have the thing programed to my stereo).

so with this being said here are some people who should follow my expert advice, realize they are exceedingly boring people and Discovery's documentary of the life of a river trout provides more entertainment than they ever will.

People who should shut the hell up or be magically transformed into river trout:

1) the Hogans- SHUT THE HELL UP

2) My super-sweet sixteen tweensters- SHUT THE HELL UP

3) American idol hopefuls- SHUT THE HELL UP

4) People who go on game shows with lie detectors - SHUT THE HELL UP

5) People who are currently on dating shows- SHUT THE HELL UP

and the list could go on and on.

Please people for the love of god, I don't care about your damn love life, or how spoiled you are- I WILL TAKE THE LIVES OF LAKE TROUT OVER YOU! LAKE TROUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

I am sending out this desprete message to the to the network television gods....STOP BEING SUCH CHEAP ASS SKIN FLINTS BEFORE FUTURE GENERATIONS COMPLETELY LOOSE THEIR GRASP ON REALITY.

I swear to god if they make "my supersweet campaign debate" I will have to kill someone.

Love, kisses and 5 shots of moonshine whiskey to the brain -

the blob of mindless goo that Susan before she got trapped into the train wreck that is American idol auditions instead of watching House M.D. which appears to not have been on.