Declaration of Independence

My dear friends and fellow students....

Four score and seven years ago ...ok maybe a little longer than that but it sounds impressive and I pirated it from Abraham Lincoln so bare with me)...Anyway..

Four score and seven years ago our forefathers - a bunch of selfish uppity bastards dedicated to the proposition that some people are just better looking than other-brought forth on this continent -along with smallpox, syphilis and various other V.D.'s,- a new worthless wholly coporate holiday. This absolute Tyranny, termed Valentines Day, now rears its ugly head once a year, testing the bonds of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Now we singles stand here, forced to endure the evergrowing weight of this unimaginative, consumerist oriented, and completely arbitrary, shallow and manipulative interpretation of Romance.

And in the Course of this event it becomes necessary for one people, We Band of Singles, to dissolve the oppressive bands which have connected us with slander, degradation, and Depression. To assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle us, a decent respect to the opinions of singles requires that we should declare the causes which impel us to take a stand.

First, no day should be set aside in which singles are forced to put aside academic pursuits to hear the declaration of love to another in a demonstration of VD. Nor shall the consumption of food be interrupted due to such events that support one relationship status over another.

Second, in keeping with this rule, if such a distinction of Days must be made it is just to return to the those laws that governed us in our youth. If one buys flowers for another, he or she must buy flowers for everyone.

Thirdly, All restaurants must reserve tables for more than two persons.

Fourthly, Cable must not play the following films- Sleepless in Seattle, You've got mail, Dirty Dancing, Gone with the Wind, or any other such cinema or public viewing in which specifically targets and degrades the single life.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people are created equal in relationship status, that they are endowed by their personal choices with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of the single life.

My thanks to Mr. Jefferson Davis, and Abraham Lincoln for their inspirational writings.

Sincerely

Susan