Let the Christmas Season Commence

OK dearies-
By the power invested in me by a passing an unfortunate and rather shady looking pigeon outside of the starbucks on St. Giles Street (this of course not being the starbucks on Cornmarket Street...lovely lattes they make or the one on the opposite side of broadstreet I am telling you frappincinos to die for...*cough*but I digress) Everyone is now allowed to listen to Christmas Music...At the stroke of midnight upon the 24th of November a glorious thunder of the heavenly host personal (aka...umm...iTunes Music Redux a delightful sinful program in which one can pirate loads of music from fellow peers .....yarr matey) delivered me 336 christmas tracks to enjoy in which I fully intend to offer my voice in heartfelt thanks and praise in this holiday that celebrates the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ ....This is keeping in the spirit of the beginning of Advent when we share in the hymns of old, deep lyrically stunning works written to truly inspire the mind and understand the true meaning of Christmas....Yes you know what I am talking about, a song that is an epic....not only an epic worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy...Indeed, The tragic and emotionally provocative....Grandma got run over by a reindeer.....

Does anyone truly know how the composer of this song was inspired? I mean here you are gathered around the Christmas tree partaking in a little Christmas caroling and as the voices of your relatives hit new shuddering heights, you look over to see your very old, wrinkled grandmother in the corner has had too much eggnog and has drifted off. Drool sliding down the corner of her mouth onto her fashionably knitted wooled red dress which is enhanced with a giant cameo of Frosty gracing her lapel, little green puff balls on her black loafers, topped off by a miniature of Santa clauses sleigh and eight tiny reindeer fashioned into somes sort hair abomination.... It suddenly Hits you ...Inspiration..Eureka.....Genius.... AH HA you say....I now understand the true meaning of Season....Christmas is a time of turkey, family togetherness, snow, bright lights, church Christmas pageant, and .....Malicious reindeer with sadistic streak and rather as it be a murderous hatred for a fairly old person who is a runs a Compulsive Christmas Cookie sweatshop right from her own kitchen....I can see how the connection can be made...riiiiiiiigght.

I suppose this isn't as bad...Music is what you make of it....But really folks there is only so much a person can take...Walking through borders the other day I happen to glance to my left and my world came to a shuddering halt... ...Yes that's right....On shelvesnow at a local retailer near you ..... THE STAR WARS CHRISTMAS ALBUM! Didn't George Lucas reached the peak of his marketing propaganda when he came out with the Mr. 'Darth Vador' potato Head? No he must persist in his goal of World Domination....GIVE IT UP MR. LUCAS YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE POPE!

So what makes this album so bad? Well let's see here... First off you've got both C-3PO and R2-D2 actually trying to sing Christmas songs. HELLO DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE A PROBLEM WITH THIS? R2- D2's only lines of the movies consisted of a various amount of prolonged beeps and whirls...C-3P0 happens to be what Ben Stein would sound like if he would be suddenly smitted by God.....You've got a bunch of horrible actors trying to sound like Droids. You've got random Star Wars sound effects thrown into the middle of regular Christmas songs. And last but not by far the worst, you've got some crackpot 18-year-old by the name of John Bongiovi fronting a high school choir on one of the songs.

The Christmas Classics on this album include but are not limited to :

Christmas In The Stars"

"Bells, Bells, Bells"

"The Odds Against Christmas"

What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?"

"R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas"

As my friend Jason Beck would say this dear people is a musical abortion......Lyrical genocide that far extends anything that the composer of "Grandma got runover by a reindeer" could cook up.....Yes this is the end of the Universe........ Seasons Greetings ....