Hello, my name is Susan the homeless vegetarian painter......

Hello my name is Susan and I am about to become homeless....ish. Currently my lease is about to expire on the great date of July 31st and my options are rapidly becoming slim. While as always I will land on my feet- the getting to that "balance" is going to be one giant pain in the proverbial ass. For the last 3 months I have been trying to track down a room to rent. A long honored tradition that apparently doesn't flipping exist anymore. um "what the hell?" is all I have to say.

Here is the "issues" I am encountering.

1) I need to rent month to month. (as in exactly 96 days I will be relocating to Sienna- yeah bitches! No year lease in freaking Wisconsin for me)

2) Nobody really leases apartments month to month anymore....motherfucker.

3) Those who do lease month to month charge an arm, two legs, your soul and a really nice set of ginsu knives...again i say motherFUCKER. ( please note the added emphasis on mother fucker and be sure to say it with vigor).

4) There are no camp grounds in a 30 mile radius.

So where does that leave me?

Homeless -Although homeless with a certain aire of class and style- As I would be living out of my rather delightful all leather interior slate gray grand prix with sun roof. So this made me wonder what class of homeless am I.

Definitions of Homelessness According to the "MAN" in England.

• Legally homeless: A household is legally homeless if either there is no accommodation that they are entitled to occupy or they have accommodation but it is not reasonable for them to continue to occupy this accommodation
  
• Officially recognized as homeless: Those who are both legally homeless and have successfully applied to their local authority to be classified as such in the current year. A household can be legally homeless but not recognized by the state as being homeless because they have not applied to be classified as such.
• Statutory homeless: Households that have been found to be eligible for assistance, unintentionally homeless and falling within a priority need group and thus owed a main homelessness duty by a local housing authority.
• Hidden homeless: This refers to homeless households, which may or may not have applied to local authorities for homeless status, but are not entitled to any accommodation.

First of all I did not realize you can apply to be homeless. Second, it just shows that apparently government can figure out spiffy definitions of states of living, recognize them under legal statues but not fix the damn problem...So i don't exactly qualify I guess as homeless from a legal standpoint as true homelessness is defined as the condition and societal category of people who lack food (which i definitely can still afford) or afford housing (well the only reason i can't afford this is because of my extended stay in Italy....which now that i think of it is not the case for most homeless people).

Now there is another random legal category call "rough sleeping" which is not to be confused with rough sex.......

cough....ok not as funny on paper as it was in my head.........

rough sleeping which means floor city but roof over head. so yeah could be that. There also is nomad aka gypsy....yeah probably like that....ish. hmm......anywho I digress

So where does that leave me?

Up shit creek which apparently is located at my former household where my dear mother resides. As much as i love my mother- the whole inconvenience of it all..(.A- have to get up at like 4:00 am so I can be out of the house in time to drive the halfn' hour to a job that really doesn't pay me enough to do that. B) living once again with my mother, my sister and my brother- which in the past has caused undue stress.....(love the fam. but really) C) not having a bed....or a couch or any personal space D) not be able to drink, swear, or smoke because it is degrading to my health and I will have someone actually reminding me of that, when usually I am able to just ignore my conscience and continue on my merry way....wew....what a mouthfull)

all in all DAMNIT.